Why won’t hockey take off in America?

In case you missed it Monday, the Bruins beat the Canucks like a trillion to one on Monday. Between the finger biting, high scoring, and decapitation these finals are making great TV. Sidenote, with the biting and hitting in the NHL finals and the LeBron heel face turn in the NBA these finals are like one giant WWF promotion.

SOMEONE RING THE DAMN BELL!!!!

Hockey seems like it’s built for the American TV viewer. It’s violent, it’s fast paced, it even still has a lot of white people playing it! So why is it that outside of a select few states: Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Connecticut etc. most people don’t give a damn about hockey? I think I’ve figured it out.

This is the new official flag of Canada.

Canada. Canada is keeping hockey from American popularity. Think about it. What sports are popular in the US? Football, basketball, baseball all homegrown American sports. When people think hockey they think of moose-humping, maple syrup making, labatt’s drinking, commie pinko Canadians. American’s only like sports from country’s that use the English standard system.

5 meter penalty? I don’t fucking think so.

The Soccer revolution

If you are a normal American, like myself, then you most likely missed the USA vs. Spain soccer match on Saturday. Spain won 4-0 on two safeties. I was away from the TV most of the weekend so I only watched about 3 minutes of the match, but it was enough to get me thinking about soccer.

I thought T-Rexes were extinct.

Soccer is fucking dumb and is too damn hard. 4-0. The best team in the world vs. a completely mediocre team and the score is 4-0… If the Miami Heat played against Kansas, do you think the final would be 8-0? No. Because basketball isn’t a stupid fucking sport where you can’t use your goddamn hands. Hands are what separate humans from animals.  If you don’t think a well trained group of Zebras couldn’t win the world cup, then you don’t know your African horses.

CATCH THE FEVER

I mean my god, the sport is so boring the fans have to come up with ways to entertain themselves. I don’t remember the last time group karaoke broke out at an NFL game, don’t recall NBA fans blowing on kazoos for 48 minutes straight. Soccer is the rest of the world’s baseball. People thought of it and played it before we had all the cool shit required to have modern sports.

With that said, I still really enjoy soccer and the World Cup is one of my all time favorite sporting events.

U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A!!!!!!!

F-R-E-N-C-H O-P-N-N-E……ding

ESPN….Can I have the language of origin? English. Can I have the definition? The self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports. Can you use it in a sentence? There was nothing on HBO, so I watched SportsCenter on ESPN. ESPN ESPN ESPN OK E-S-P-E-N-N ESPN…..ding

Who thought a hotel concierge bell could be so cruel?

ESPN has been complete trash all week. Nobody gives a damn about the SCRIPPS national spelling bee. If I were a parent I would not allow my child to compete in the national finals. Hint kids people aren’t laughing with you. It’s like is this a fucking joke? Last week you were showing NBA playoff games and this week it’s like you’re trying to see how much awkwardness can be captured on camera. I mean nobody looks good between 10-14 it’s not possible, but just look at these kids.

Riveting television.

Can I get this rash’s country of origin?

I’m assuming her name is Commonwealth Edison…sounds fitting.

o_O

Thank god for ESPN2. I can watch some real athletes not a bunch of awkward nerds and douchebags.

FUCK!

What the hell is up with Tennis? Why do they play half their majors on grass and clay? Can they not afford real tennis courts? The World Cup doesn’t have teams play soccer in the middle of nowhere on some piece of shit desert… They don’t play the NBA finals on an elementary school playground… The Stanley Cup isn’t decided on a frozen pond in Minnesota? Is there a reason the players are all sliding around like they waxed the floor?

The French are huge Risky Business fans.

The tragic thing is, with 3 months until college football, after the NBA finals…this is all we’ve got left.

I fix college sports.

So Jim Tressel was fired…er resigned on Monday. Apparently, Ohio State players were trading game worn equipment for small 1970s TV characters.

An autographed helmet and all your fantasies come true.

Now Steve Spurrier is proposing football coaches pay players out of their own pockets. Dumb idea. The problem is that college sports are incredibly stupid when you think about it. I have a 1 step solution that will solve all the college sports, NCAA bullshit drama.

Step 1: Eliminate College Sports

Ta-da. System fixed. Look I always hear that athletic departments are separate entities than the  schools they are affiliated with, which is why AD’s can give coaches 2 million per year raises while the rest of the university is making cuts. Then let’s drop the “student-athlete” bullshit pretense and get real.

Terrelle Pryor ponders how to use his education to solve global problems.

There are 2 sports that actually make money for college athletic departments, football and basketball. Why don’t we just have minor league football and basketball leagues where high school athletes can go for 3-5 years and try and improve their skills to make it to the NFL or NBA. Can’t make it? Then go to college and pay for it the same way everybody else does.

Those non-revenue generating sport athletes? Fuck them. Why should they get their education for free for being good at tennis or swimming? Are they going to have a job playing tennis or swimming? If so why do they need a communications or business degree. If not, how the fuck does being good at swimming mean you should get a free education? I’m a fantastic Call of Duty player but you don’t see schools offering me a scholarship for that.

You’ll lose our school money and get a free education!

Hopefully, this plan would stop all those annoying as fuck little league parents trying to get their kids good enough at some bullshit sport so they don’t have to pay for them to go to some bullshit school.

Seriously, how does being good at gymnastics lead to a free education? They’re not even remotely related!

Better know a winter Olympic sport part 1: The Biathalon

Being an American, I don’t really give a damn about the winter Olympics. The main reason I don’t care about the winter Olympics is all the goddamn figure skating. If it’s not a sport on the ground, then why is it a sport on ice? Some people will counter with, “RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS!” Exactly. Do you or anyone you know give a fuck about rhythmic gymnastics? (My imaginary advertisers won’t like me isolating the profitable rhythmic gymnastic crowd.)

They give medals for this?

Anyway, there is one fantastic Winter Olympic sport which has been relegated to the shadows in favor of the brightly colored spandex of figure skating. I’m talking of course about the Biathlon.

The History of the Biathlon.

In 1992 the annual WASP convention was held in Aspen, Colorado. The bluebloods flew in from Cambridge, New Haven, Princeton and Ithaca to discuss the future of our country. Being a very progressive lot they felt that the Winter Olympics needed more athletes of color. Being WASPs, they didn’t actually know any people of color so all they had to go on were stereotypes. When slaloming down the slopes one afternoon Bradley Whitefelt III exclaimed, “By George I’ve got it! On the television I often see minorities shooting guns at people. What if we combined shooting with skiing?” That was the invention of the Biathlon.

#whitepeopleproblems

The Biathlon

The way the Biathlon works is 2 people from each country in the world are chosen to compete in the Biathlon. One male and one female. They are then given a lycra outfit, a pair of skis, and a rifle. Once equipped all the contestants are taken to different camps along sides of Mount Everest. The contestants then try to kill all the other competitors and reach the top of the mountain. The winner’s country then receives extra food rations and is automatically one of the finalist to host the next World Cup.

His boots were white when the day began.

And that is the Biathlon.

What if the Orlando Big 3 had formed?

If you’re not an NBA fan you probably don’t know this but 11 years ago 3 NBA superstars all wanted to go play together in the magical kingdom known as Orlando, Florida. In the summer of 2000 the Orlando Magic came very close to signing the greatest power forward of all time Tim Duncan. OF ALL TIME!!! While the Magic missed out on Duncan they did get two all-stars that summer Grant Hill and Tracey McGrady. Today I’m going to tell you what would’ve gone down had Duncan gone to Orlando.

Dirk I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish but Tim Duncan is the best power forward of ALL TIME!! That joke’s so good I’ve already used it twice.

Their first season together the new look Magic go 69-13. The addition of Duncan allows Grant Hill’s ankles to relax and he plays the whole season healthy. The Magic beat the Lakers in 6 to walk away with an NBA championship. The next three years are very similar with the Magic winning 66,71, and 68 games each regular season along with another title every June.

What could have been Magic fans….what could have been.

Year 5 of the Orlando Big 3 are when things start to get interesting. Bored with the lack of competition in the NBA Grant Hill’s dark side starts to show and he develops a massive cocaine addiction. Although NBA spectators and analysts are impressed by Hill’s newfound energy Tim Duncan begins to suspect something is amiss. You see Grant, for the second week in a row mind you, had missed Tim’s weekly 2 hour lecture on home gardening. When Tim asked Grant about his absence, Grant winked and explained that he was “snowed in” and had some “nasal issues.”

Did he just score a basket…or some coke?

Things came to a head when Grant was a no-show for Tim and Tracey’s Xbox 360 launch party even when he RSVP’d attending to their T&T’s XBOX three sixTTy facebook event. When the crestfallen superstars asked Grant why he didn’t show up he replied, “I don’t need to tell you anything you’re not my mom. Video games are gay!” Stunned silence filled the arena. Grant and recently acquired journeyman role player Jared Dudley had long been the Association’s most outspoken supporters of gay rights.

Jared Dudley, the second best basketball playing civil rights activist.

As Grant heard his homophobic remarks echoing off the Amway Center walls he broke down in tears at mid court. Tim Duncan picked up Grant and said, “Let’s go get you some help little buddy.” On their way to the rehab center, Tim Duncan shared his own shocking story of his battle with addiction. “There were some days when I was drinking sometimes as many as 4 whole cans of Mountain Dew.” Time said, “I just thought one more can and I can finish this raid and then I’ll go to bed.”

When they arrived at the rehab center, Grant Hill stumbled getting out of the car. “Are you OK?” asked Tim. “I just tweaked my ankle,” replied Grant. “I’m sure it’s nothing and I’ll be fine.”

Does anybody really care about baseball?

So during the commercial breaks of the Mavs Thunder game last night I caught some of some baseball game. I don’t know who was playing, not to sound racist but all baseball players look the same to me. It got me thinking what’s the appeal of baseball?

It’ll make sense. Trust me.

I’m a sports fan. I like almost all sports. NFL,NBA, CFB, I’m even a big World’s Strongest Man fan. Baseball though….fuck it’s so boring.The NBA is filled with giant freaks that are almost a foot taller than the average person. They can jump higher than emus and pull off dunks I couldn’t make with milk and Oreos. The NFL is populated by Hagridesque half giants who are slightly larger than your average silverback gorilla. Not only that, but NFL players are literally killing themselves for our entertainment. If that’s not worth watching I don’t know what is…

So that brings us to baseball… There is nothing exciting that happens in baseball. Perfect game? You mean the game where there is literally no offense for one of the team? Awful. Home Runs? take 3 seconds of something happen followed by 20 seconds of a guy running. The only thing baseball has is its statistical tradition. You know you have a boring sport when you have to keep every stat humanly possible just to give your fans something to do… Bobby Bonilla was the best 2-2 hitter against right handed pitchers with fingernails over 2″ since Smokey Paddington in 1902!

Baseball is like whacking day minus the fun. Nobody likes it people just pretend to like it because people used to like it. Can you imagine if we took that approach to all our entertainment? No internet, no video games! People would still be reading books! MY GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!

*shudder*

The OKC Thunder are intolerable

So I was watching part of the Mavericks Thunder game last night, I didn’t watch very much for god’s sake it was the Parks and Rec season Finale!, and it struck me how much the Thunder annoy me.

Kevin Durant’s parents.

Do I think Kevin Durant’s a bad guy? No, but I guarantee he’s not the Jesus/Dali Lama/Mother Theresa hybrid that ESPN would have you believe. All he did to get his perfect reputation is not be LeBron James. Also, he’s a horrible role model for children. The guy is 6’10” 130lbs tops. With there being so much pressure to be thin in our society I don’t think it’s healthy for the media to force such unrealistic expectations on our children. One of the kids I work with came up to me this morning. This kid is 9 years old and he said, “I wish I wasn’t fat. I want to be skinny like Kevin Durant.” I’m not saying Kevin Durant is the reason for childhood anorexia, I’m just afraid that he might be.

The Wizarding community in Harry Potter are a bunch of assholes.

Let’s be real for a minute here, have you ever thought critically about the wizards and witches in Harry Potter? If you do you’ll realize what a bunch of selfish, smug fuckers they are. I’d like to thank Lawrence Frank for the assist there.

Muggles dying of thirst? Should’ve learned Aguamenti fuckers.

Let’s start with their education system. Remember in the first book when all the little wizards and witches are working on their transfiguration spells and turn rats into tea cups? Think about that for a second…. they’re killing rats so they can make tea cups! This is in fucking Britain, the only thing that outnumbers tea cups over there is clouds. What do they even do with those cups? We never see them again, I can only assume they throw them in the trash. That means they killed these animals for no reason at all. Forget hardcore Christians PETA should’ve been protesting the hell out of these books. Also, is this a common practice for adult wizards to do? Do wizards and witches sit at home watching Animal Hoarders going, “Look at all those cats! We could make a whole dinette set out of those.”

Before.

after.

The Miami Heat will win the NBA Championship

“…I’m going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat.” Those were the words heard round the world at the end of last summer. Almost instantly, LeBron James became America’s favorite son. He exemplified everything that was right about the game of basketball. After seven long, arduous years toiling futilely in the godforsaken wasteland known as Cleveland. King James came out of the wilderness and into the promise land. In an age of extreme selfishness with regards to legacy…I seem to recall a certain 2 guard driving the most dominate player of his generation off his team so he could dress up in big boy pants and fail on his own. LeBron realized that he plays the game to win titles not to try and be MJ. At a time when “superstars” like Rudy Gay and Joe Johnson are commanding max contracts, LeBron meekly took a pay cut to help his new team. In an age where athletes use their influence to find new levels of idiocy via tweet, LeBron used the media frenzy surrounding the decision to raise money for Charity.

Bosh, Wade, LeBron left to right.

The Miami Threet, Miami Thrice, the big 3, the Heatles, we’ve heard all the nicknames…including my personal favorite two and a half men.  Let’s go beyond the clever quips and really look at why the Heat are going to be the last team left standing come the middle of June. Remember when the Lakers had 2 of the top 5 players in the NBA? How did they do again? 3 titles, 4 finals appearances in 5 years? That sounds incredible. The Heat are in a similar situation with LeBron and Wade. Think about that for a second, LeBron James and Dwayne Wade are on the same team. That’s not even mentioning Chris Bosh…tbf Bosh has lost some of his old raptor Bosh mojo. He just doesn’t look like a Heat.

Chris Bosh has problem solving intelligence.

Last night against the Bulls, the Heat showed what they are as a team. An extremely athletic team who can lock you up and bother every shot. With the return of Udonis Haslem’s toughness and rebounding presence, there’s not a team left that can stop the Heat.

HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!