Tim Miles just doesn’t get it.

I, like most people, didn’t watch the Nebraska vs. USC basketball game last night. I had much better things to do like laying face down on the carpet asking my cat what I should do with my life. I did see that the Huskers won and then today I find this…

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10100679740646263&saved

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? This is just the latest in a long line of horrible decisions made by the Miles administration. I know administration doesn’t really work for a coaching staff but I want to give this blog some political gravitas.  

 

Mistake 1 being nice to the fans and the media. Everyone knows the only way to handle fans and the media is to treat them with complete derision. They need to know you’re too busy coaching to have time to put up  with any of their bullshit. As a major coach, the only things we have time for is coaching and spending our outrageous salaries. I’m going to tell you a parable Timmy. Being nice to one fan one time is like teaching a man to fish. And as well all know, teach a man to fish and he’ll want to borrow your yacht and we don’t want this thing smelling like fish now do we. 

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Mistake 2 focusing so much on recruiting. Let me tell you how real coaches look at recruiting.

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Think about the rest of us Tim. If you get some good basketball players to come play at Nebraska, what do you think they’ll expect from the rest of us coaches? I don’t want to hear “Well Tim’s bringing in great recruits” when I go visit Shawn Itheworst. Besides getting good recruits leads you right into your third mistake.

 

Mistake 3 raising expectations. I know I’m getting pretty sophisticated with my analogies here but listen to this. Give a mouse a conference championship and he’ll expect a cookie. I don’t know if you were an English major Tim but a cookie is a metaphorical 3 or fewer loss season. Nobody wants that Tim. Nobody.

 

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Vanderbilt Dynasty

Vanderbilt B- over all vs. C overall Army Black Knights…off to a good start.

Win the toss, choose to defer. Take the ball motherfuckers.

First play of the game give up 9 yards. Off to a good start!

Two minutes into the first Army takes a 7-0 lead. I’m glad my defense can neither cover nor tackle.

Down 10-7 with 0:54 in the first half. Suck it Army!

Down 17-7 at half.

After several unsuccessful drives a fumble return for a touchdown puts Army up 31-9 with 3:20 left in the ball game. I’m really glad this game captures all the fumblin by QBs.

Once again my receivers decide that blocking the CB that hits them is much more important than hanging onto the ball….4th and nine from my own 25….time to go for it.

Pick!

Despite rushing all 11 players Navy picks up 9 yards on 3rd and four. Those Army bastards win 31-9….Fuck!

The end of an era

On July 1st, the NBA lockout officially got underway. The craziest thing for me to think about is, if the lockout lasts the entire season, as many experts expect, then we will most likely never see Tim Duncan play another NBA game. One of the top 10 players of all time and greatest player of his generation will spend his last season locked out playing Halo, COD, and Dungeons and Dragons.

On the plus side, he’s much less likely to have some bad gatorade this year.

Twist coming! This post isn’t about Tim Duncan, it’s about his generation. We seem to be coming to the end of the post-Jordan era. By that I mean the group of stars that carried the league between Jordan’s retirement in 1998 and the stacked draft class of 2003.  Tim Duncan, Kobe, Shaq, KG, Dirk, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Jason Kidd and Steve Nash have been staples of the Association for more than a decade. Their reign started when the Duncan led Spurs won the title in 1999 and ended when Dirk’s Mavericks won the big one last month.

I don’ t know if there has ever been a more under-appreciated collection of stars than this group. Tim Duncan has always been too boring, Kobe is not MJ, Shaq just overpowered everybody. It saddens me that the stars I’ve grown up with are starting to fade. They’re the Derek Zoolander to LBJ,CP3, and D12’s Hansel.

 

I’m also conflicted on the Oxford comma.

 

Tom Haverford

“Zerts” are what I call desserts. “Trey-treys” are entrees. I call sandwiches “sannies,” “sandoozles” or “Adam Sandlers.” Air conditioners are “cool blasterz,” with a “z.” (I don’t know where that came from.) I call cakes “big ol’ cookies.” I call noodles “long-ass rice.” Fried chicken is “fry-fry chicki-chick.” Chicken parm is “chicki-chicki parm-parm.” Chicken cacciatore, “chicki-catch.” I call eggs “pre-birds” or “future birds.” Root beer is “super water.” Tortillas are “bean blankies.” And I call forks “food rakes.”

Individual Greatness

My friends and I got into a very enjoyable debate last night over the importance of winning majors in golf. I am of the opinion that how many majors a player wins should only be a minor consideration, if a consideration at all when determining a player’s individual greatness. Let me explain. Everybody knows that Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are the two greatest golfers of all time. I don’t know that you’ll find anybody who will argue that point. Now’s where I verge into Bill Simmons hypothetical territory.

What if I buttoned one more button?

What if Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus had been born in the same year?

For the sake of this argument we’ll say Tiger was born around the same time as Jack. Also, we’ll disregard all the racism he would’ve faced and say he had the same upbringing as he did in his real life. With me so far? Ok so both players have tremendous careers and develop one of the greatest rivalries in sports. Because they’re always competing with each other, they often push each other and record record lows on major courses. But because they’re dividing wins between the two of them both end their careers with 9 Majors. Which in this alternate history puts them in a tie for second behind Walter Hagen.

I only play sports with a business casual dress policy.

Phil’s Big Break

Thirty years after Jack and Tiger’s epic run, Phil Mickelson bursts onto the golf scene. Remember this Phil is exactly the same golfer as the real Phil we know and dislike. With no Tiger around to dominate Phil has an amazing career and sets a new career record for major victories with 13, and is widely considered to be the greatest golfer to play the sport. But we as outside time lordesque observers know that Tiger is superior player compared to Phil. We know it. We’ve seen it with our eyes. But in this alternate timeline everyone knows that Phil is better than Tiger. He won more majors and it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t have as tough of competition.

Douche.

What does all of this mean?

Honestly, I don’t even really know exactly what point I’m making with this post. I guess it’s that winning Majors is an overrated stat and that legacy is as much a matter of circumstance as it is of ability….I guess

From the creators of Combat Hospital comes Doctor Cop!

Doctor Cop season 1 episode 1: Cardiac Arrest.

EXT. Night time, run down, urban area.

A man of unknown origin is running as fast as he can, he jumps over a fence in a back alley.  Officer Dr. Jack Dwyer is in pursuit of the subject.

Jack: FREEZE!

The assailant pulls out a gun and turns and fires at Jack. The bullet clips Jack in the arm and he goes sprawling into a cluster of trashcans.

Homeless man 1: Do you want me to call a doctor officer?

Jack: I don’t need a doctor….I am one.

Cut to opening credits.

 

U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A!!!!

An important moment in United States history occurred last night. Against all odds and in an environment so hostile it made Vietnam look like Aspen, the United States of America struck a killing blow against the encroaching jaws of the communist wasteland known as Canada.

I wish the Bruins were real bears.

Look as we all know, I have no love for the shitty of Boston. But the worst city in Amuurica is still better than the best city in Canada. That’s not just a saying in this case, Boston really is the worst city in the US and Vancouver is the best city in Canada. But all that aside, we fucking did it! Lord Stanley’s Cup will remain in the USA where it belongs. So celebrate, and know in your heart that for one more year the wildings from north of the wall have been kept at bay.

I can only assume this was bought at Wal Mart.

But even in our revelry we must remain vigilant. Even now the Canadians are marshaling their bear cavalry hoping to steal our cup.

They eat SEALs for breakfast….literally.

Congratulations Mavericks

I’m not the type to say “I told you so”…but I fucking told you so. FIRST EVER POST https://thesportsblahblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/why-the-dallas-mavericks-will-win-the-nba-title/ fucking called it.

Obvious font copying going on.

I came across this http://deadspin.com/5805082/ outstanding article the other day, and want to share it with you all. It articulates much more better’d than I ever could what so annoys me about American sports and fans.

“We demand our stars work harder, be more valiant, tougher, more cutthroat, less sensitive, more solipsistic, less socialistic, develop a killer instinct, dominate, crush, destroy, show no weakness, dispense with humor unless using it to mock, have unwavering confidence in personal greatness, ignore doubt, reject fear, embrace hero status. But this is not courageous. This is stupid.”

I think it’s because so many people are reading correlation as causation. People think that because Russell and Jordan and many other superstars have been single-mindedly  competitive, that it’s a require trait for greatness. Some players have made a career out of faking it…Kobe, and because he wasn’t a demonstrative dick to his teammates, Tim Duncan got labeled as an emotionless android.

Would a robot have a face like that?

Even now hardly anybody is talking about Dirk finally getting a ring without changing his mentality. The news is about how LeBron lost it because he doesn’t have the “killer mentality.” Am I taking crazy pills?

Also, listening to Jalen Rose on ESPNRadio. He Mad about not getting a ring.

I just love this and had to get it in somehow.

Michael Jordan is the most overrated human being in history

I hate Michael Jordan. I hate his face. I hate his shoes. I hate the fact that I will never be able to be a Bulls fan because of him. I hate his Hitler mustache. There is nothing about the man that I find tolerable.

The worst person to ever have such a mustache.

All I’ve heard this week is how Michael Jordan never lost an NBA finals series, and how MJ would never join a team with another superstar. Why would he? He had Scottie Pippen, who in his year without Jordan was an MVP candidate on a 55 win team! Without any supporting cast around him LeBron took the Cavs to the NBA finals in 2007. In his three years without Pippen MJ was 1-9 in the playoffs getting swept in back to back years.

Michael was riding his coattails!

Honestly though, it’s nothing on the court that makes me hate Jordan. He has as good of a case as anyone for being the greatest of all time when it comes to basketball. What I hate the most is that he is a horrible human being and people still love him.

Want to be like Mike?

Remember that old ad campaign? If I can be like Mike. Gatorade wants our kids to grow up to be egotistical assholes who punch their teammates, talk shit about their bosses, throw tantrums like a petulant child, cheat our their spouses, and illegally gamble with their money. Despite all that people love him. He should’ve replaced Charlie Sheen on 2.5 men. They could’ve kept the piece of shit, worthless human being that people love for no reason at all theme going.

The wrong MJ died.